You're Only Lonely

Despite my attempts to take steps forward back into life in America, this week has set me back quite a bit, probably by kilometers. I can't stop thinking about Ireland, everywhere I turn something reminds me of it. Even little things like Clarion changing our email over to Windows Live, which is the same email service I had at DBS. This week I've been missing various things. It probably all started with Google's Superbowl commercial deals with a student searching study abroad programs in Paris, France and ends with him falling in love with a French girl and moving there. I've also been working on my presentation for study abroad club this Monday, which brings all kind of memories flooding back. I made tea for the first time this week since break and all I could think was how good some 39 cent custard creams from Dunnes would taste with it. The piles of snow we received this week reminded me of how Ireland doesn't get snow.

Wednesday night I was doing just fine and then out of nowhere I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of loss and the impossibility of being able to go to Ireland at that exact moment. I'm quite fine when I'm distracted by school work or the cleaning of my apartment, but as soon as I stop it hits me. From that point I just had a hard time picking myself up again (something I have actually gotten quite good at). I think it would help if I had someone to help pick me up every now and then, but that just isn't in the cards right now. It would also help if I had some of my friends from Dublin close, but the closest are about 5 hours away. Sometimes it's difficult to believe it all ever happened without the validation of others. I have pictures, stories, and memories but it's difficult when no one really appreciates them.

Last night was even lower than Wednesday. It's like I fell and I just could stand up again. Every time I stopped crying, the tears decided to make another entrance. After a brief late night call to my mum, I decided I need to be home for the weekend. I was blaming part of my hysterics on a lack of sleep, but even with a full 8 hours plus last night, I still feel just as emotionally ridiculous.

Today I rode the bus for about 20-25 minutes back to my apartment, mainly because it circled downtown Clarion and campus. It is no where near as crowded as Dublin Bus, there are no stairs to an upper saloon, no one who rides it has an Irish accent, and it requires absolutely no skill to maneuver. Most students get on and at the most are on their mobile phone or listening to their ipod, maybe studying for a test. I am probably the only one who busts out a book or sudoku, which makes me feel like a seasoned traveler. Seasoned traveler's don't waste much time while on modes of transportation, they are emailing on their blackberry, reading the latest headlines in today's paper, reading a book on the NY Times Bestseller list, among various other activities to fill the time during a commute. I feel like a whole other breed completely.

According to this site, http://www.studentsabroad.com/reentrycultureshock.html, I'm in stage 3 of reverse culture shock.

"This is often one of the transitions to Stage 3. You may experience feelings of frustration, anger, alienation, loneliness, disorientation, and helplessness and not understand exactly why. You might quickly become irritated or critical of others and of U.S. culture. Depression, feeling like a stranger at home, and the longing to go back abroad are also not uncommon reactions. You may also feel less independent than you were while abroad."

I'm not necessarily angry, but everything else I definitely am. I just want someone to relate to. Some sense of familiarity with the life I lived abroad. Patrick is quite optimisic about going back, which gives me hope. I also heard from Mary, my host mum, which is helpful. It's good to know I have contacts in Ireland, and I quote "I don't know how many people were asking for you - Triona, Judith, Ruth, Aoife. They all really enjoyed your lovely gentle presence. I hope that all is well with you back at College and that your family are well." I miss Mary and her friends and family very much, they're my Irish family. I miss the American friends I made there too, I felt like they understood me. They all had this sense of adventure and the want to travel and explore. In a way they were my Irish family too, Americans acclimatized to Irish life. Well as my mum is going to be here momentarily, I best be signing off. Hopefully optimism will strike me before I post next.